Kicked in the nuts

An ABC friend invites Muckraker for some wine and gossip. As the merry waters infiltrated our grateful veins, the friend starts complaining about how people in rural areas rejected the ABC in the last election.

She calls them ungrateful and disloyal. Muckraker, already tipsy from the free booze, is in no mood to bore her host with some insights on elections and politics.

This being the January of misery, she is afraid a brutally honest answer might make her friend close the liquor tap.

So, she tells the friend an old story relevant to the political events of last October.

A prominent Maseru lawyer is bird hunting in Qacha’s Nek. Not that he likes eating birds.

It’s just a pretentious hobby acquired from some white friends and some TV nature channels. The lawyer shoots a large bird, and it drops into a farmer’s yard.

The lawyer is about to climb over the fence to fetch the bird when the old farmer appears. The farmer asks why he is about to trespass on his land and the lawyer says he wants to take his bird.

The farmer says he will do no such thing because the bird is now his. He explains that the rule in Qacha is that whatever is in your yard is yours.

The lawyer furiously reminds the farmer that he is a great lawyer and will sue him into poverty. He says he is the one who shot the bird and it was only by chance that the bird dropped in the farmer’s yard.

“You cannot claim to own something simply because it’s in your yard. What if that bird was a person? Would you say their dead body is your property?” the lawyer argues.

He is about to quote some laws but the farmer says there is no need for complicated solutions to a simple dispute.

“I see you know a lot of law but here in Qacha we are just uneducated people who like simple solutions,” says the farmer.

“So how do you suggest we solve this matter, old man?” the lawyer asks.

Farmer: Have you heard of the three-kick challenge, my son?
Lawyer: No! What has a silly kick challenge to do with our property dispute?

Farmer: It’s simple. We take turns kicking each other in the nuts and whoever surrenders loses the bird.

Seeing that he is up against a frail old farmer, the lawyer agrees to the nut-kicking challenge and allows the old man to kick him first.

He opens his legs and the old man unleashes the first kick on his nuts. The lawyer screams and crumbles to the ground.

The lawyer writhes in pain as the farmer waits for him to stand up for the second kick. The lawyer gets up and the old man gives him a thunderbolt kick in the nuts.

The lawyer is now crying but he knows he is just one kick away from punishing the old man. He opens his legs again and the old man delivers his third and final kick in his nuts.

The pain is unbearable but the lawyer doesn’t give up because he wants his bird and the chance to kick some old nuts. He struggles to his feet and gets ready for his turn to kick nuts.

“Now it’s my turn to kick you in the nuts. Open your legs old man!” the lawyer says as he fastens his shoe laces.

Farmer: No, that won’t happen son.
Lawyer: Why not? We have an agreement and it’s my turn to kick you.

Farmer: No, you won’t be kicking my nuts because I surrender. You can get into my yard and take your bird. Case closed. You won, Mr Akhente ea Maseru. Tsamaea hantle Mr Cleva.

The old man whistles as he walks away. The lesson is that you should never underestimate the rural folk.

They kicked the ABC in the nuts and it won’t make babies again. And that’s how Basotho deal with politicians who think they are clever.

Nka! Ichuuuuuuuuuuu!

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