Puns, dad jokes and shaggy dog stories

Just one more Dad joke before I move on to Shaggy Dog stories. A man opens his wardrobe door and finds a lion inside. He yells at it: “what are you doing in there?!” The lion replies: “Narnia business.” I’m afraid that If I have readers who haven’t come across C.S. Lewis’s Chronicles of Narnia (or haven’t at least seen the film) I shan’t be able to associate with you again. Now, a Shaggy Dog story is “an extremely long-winded anecdote characterised by extensive typically irrelevant incidents or detail and ending in an anti-climax. The audience listens to the story with certain expectations, which are either simply not met, or met in some entirely unexpected manner.” I’ve based that definition on the one I found on Wikipedia, which also has interesting things to say about the related phrase “spinning a yarn.” To it I’ll add the observation that a Shaggy Dog story is a kind of metajoke—drawing attention to, or making fun of, the process of telling jokes by defying conventions. Here’s a favourite of mine. If I were telling it to a live audience I’d make it last at least fifteen minutes by stuffing it full of irrelevant details, but as space is limited in this column, I’ve cut it down to essentials (while being regretfully aware that this does rather reduce its Shaggy Dogness). An explorer has lost his way in the middle of the Arabian desert. After a while his drinking water runs out, but a little later he sees a Bedou on a camel, coming towards him. As the camel is laden with canvas sacks, he hopes the Bedou is a nomadic trader and calls out to him: “can I buy a bottle of water for ten dollars?” The Bedou apologizes: “I only sell ties.” This seems extremely odd, but the explorer continues lurching his way across the lone and level sands. [For a live audience I’d point out that the last five words are a quotation from Shelley and I’d go on a bit about “Ozymandias.” And then I’d go on a bit more] After a while, by which time the poor man is getting pretty desperate, he sees another Bedou on a camel laden with sacks and calls out: “twenty dollars for a bottle of water?” Alas, he receives the same reply. “This is very, very strange,” he thinks. And then: “pretty soon I’m going to die.” Ahead of him he sees a small sand dune. [If I were telling this live, in true Shaggy Dog style I would now go into a long irrelevant aside about different kinds of desert rock and sand, specifically jebel and erg]. The desperate explorer crawls to the top of the dune, where he sees yet another Bedou trader coming towards him. “Thirty dollars for a bottle of water,” he cries. “So sorry,” says the Bedou. “I only sell ties. First-class silk ties, from Italy. Highest quality.” [Again, for a live performance I’d have the trader pull out his stock of ties and I’d describe them one by one, in over-the-top Shaggy Dog detail] “I’m done for,” thinks the explorer. But seeing another dune ahead of him, and in the hope that there might be an oasis down below on the other side, he crawls up it, inch by inch. [Expert Shaggy Doggers would count the inches and every desperate croak from the explorer on the way] Towards the top of the dune he hears music coming from the other side and the unmistakable sound of jollity. Spurred on, he reaches the summit and sees below….. [Long pause] Not an oasis, but a beautiful palace, the gardens thronged with people, and great fountains gushing gallons of water. He rolls down the slope, coming up against a huge gate in the high perimeter wall of the palace. A massive security guard comes forward and glares at him through the railings of the gate. “You can’t come in here!” bellows the guard. With what might well be his penultimate croak the explorer asks “why not?” “Because……” (Long pause] “Because, you see…..” [Long pause] “You’re not wearing a tie.” Chris Dunton